


Nightmare

by obviouslyelementary



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Post-Canon, Reflection, Spoilers, before "The Future"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:08:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23428237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obviouslyelementary/pseuds/obviouslyelementary
Summary: What... are you?A diamond...A quartz...An universe...A gem...A human...What... are you?"I'm... I'm... I'm a monster..."
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Steven Universe & Everyone
Comments: 1
Kudos: 68





	Nightmare

_What... are you?_

_A diamond..._

_A quartz..._

_An universe..._

_A gem..._

_A human..._

_What... are you?_

**_I'm... I'm... I'm a monster..._ **

****

Steven gasped as he woke up, groaning as he stared at the television in front of his bed. After rubbing his eyes for a moment, he checked his alarm clock, only to see it was four in the morning. Another nightmare, again.

Funny how when he thought everything was finally getting back no normal, all his problems came back to him at once, like a giant wave.

It had been a week since that mess, since he had turned into a huge monster and almost destroyed Beach City and was stopped by the love of his family. A week since he had gone completely insane and lashed out at everyone he loved, and despite all of them saying they understood and that they weren't upset, he couldn't stop blaming himself for hurting them. And even if he had talked about it with everyone, explained where he was coming from, and most important, started some well needed therapy, he still felt the same as a week before.

And those god damned nightmares sure as hell weren't helping.

He got up from his bed, knowing he wouldn't be able to sleep again just yet, and made his way downstairs to grab some milk. The gems were all in their respective rooms, doing whatever they did while he slept, and even though he knew he could call them at any time, he didn't want to, not yet. He wasn't that comfortable with asking for help just yet. So he walked to the fridge and grabbed himself a glass of milk, drinking it down slowly, looking around the house.

It was insane how something could change so quickly, so suddenly, just because he himself had changed. Once, that house had been a place of safety, of fun, but nowadays it just seemed like a memory of the horrible things that had happened. And it sucked.

Steven finished his milk with a soft sigh, placing the glass on the sink and walking around, slowly. He wasn't sure where he wanted to go or what he wanted to do, but eventually his eyes landed on Lion, who was sleeping peacefully on the couch. He approached his best friend, petting him, watching as he yawned and leaned on the touch, and Steven smiled, slowly making his way inside Lion's mane.

He made a bubble around his own head so he could breathe inside his mane and walked all the way to the tree, frowning when he got closer. Everything was still there, as he had left it the last time he had been inside. The chest, the flag, the shirt, the painting. He sat down in front of it, holding the painting gently and sighing.

He was starting to understand his mom now. And that was probably very bad.

"I was going to ask you how you did it but... you didn’t do anything" Steven said, staring at the painting, sighing softly and putting it down again. "All you did was give up your life so I could fix up your mess... good work mom"

He looked at the painting, as if it was going to answer him, but obviously it wouldn't. He sighed to himself, lifting his pajama shirt and looking at his gem, poking it gently. It was insane for him to think that not only his mother gave up her life for him, she was also him now, in a strange way. But at least he knew he was himself, gem or not.

He wondered though, if his gem knew things he didn't know. About Rose and Pink Diamond. Things he couldn't know because of his human brain. But he guessed not. The gem was basically reset when he was born, so there was no use of wandering anything about it. His mother was gone, she would always be gone, and in a twisted way, he blamed himself for it.

Steven sighed again, standing up and leaving the mane. He couldn't get any answers there. When he got out, he looked at the cave entrance, wondering if his mother's room would give him any answers, but it just responded to his gem and what he thought about. It wasn't really her. So what would be the use.

He walked outside then, looking up at the stars, leaning against the rails. First, he blamed himself for everything. Then, he blamed his mom. For a short moment, he blamed his dad, for not giving him the normal childhood he never knew he wished for, and now he was trying to find someone else to blame, but there was no one. He wanted to blame himself, but that wouldn't be healthy, and most of what happened truly hadn't been his fault. He blamed White too, but what was the point? She was changed, she was trying, and yes she shouldn't have treated his mom like she did but that was thousands of years ago. Nothing he could do about it now.

Walking down the stairs to the beach, Steven wondered if any of that was even worth his time. Maybe he should just try to forget everything that had happened, despite that being... fairly impossible. When he caught himself wondering what would have happened if instead of a Universe he had been a Demayo, he shook his head and pushed the thought away because again, no use. His dad probably never even told his parents they had a grandson, and even if he did, they never opened his letters anyway. Maybe his dad was right, maybe they were bad people. But it was hard for Steven to know, his family was all confused and his childhood was a mess. So he had the right to wish for a normal family with a normal childhood, even if he wouldn't ever change what had happened to him with the crystal gems. He loved Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl to bits, and he was very very thankful for them.

It was weird, just weird.

He walked down the beach towards the ocean, staring at it as it moved back and forth with the waves. A week ago he was standing far from shore, as a monster, growling and crying and attacking his friends. Now he was small and stupid again, on his pajamas, sitting on the sand. The fear of turning into that monster again had haunted him every night since, and despite his therapist and his friends, he couldn't take the thought away from his mind. What if he turned into a monster forever? What if he became what he fought so much against?

He shook his head and groaned, holding it tight as he looked down at his feet. Was he ever going to be able to take that thought out of his head? Was he ever going to be able to just live again?

Even the diamonds were worried. They called every other day for news. Spinel was constantly coming over to give him a hug. His dad was spending every single day at the house, and the gems were being supportive and loving but not in a way that suffocated him. And Connie...

Steven blushed. Connie was perfect. She was getting thirty minute breaks just to skype him, or come over with Lion, and most days they just laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling, and sometimes he cried and she hugged him, and sometimes he cried and she didn't hug him, and sometimes they laughed and other times they were just quiet, and it was amazing. She held his hand, and every time she had to leave she kissed his cheek and assured him that if he needed anything at all, she was a call away.

He had thought about calling her since he woke up, but four am was a little bit too much. And he wasn't that bad. He called the first two nights after his nightmare but after that, he stopped. It was no use, talking to someone over and over again about the same nightmare.

He just really wished it would stop.

Maybe one day he would figure himself out. Maybe one day he would decide if he was a diamond or a gem or a human or just a Steven. He wanted to be Steven, but that seemed like a far away, perfect, utopic thought, so he decided to leave that on standby for now. Being him was enough, until he found out who Steven really was.

And he was on the right path.

**Author's Note:**

> i love steven universe and fuck that ending ended me thanks


End file.
